Screw this, literally

Today (Wednesday, September 5, 2007) I was investigating my apartment in Warsaw. Specifically, I was trying to figure out what seemingly useless switches were supposed to accomplish.

There’s one switch in my room that does absolutely nothing, which is kind of annoying. Later, I ended up in the kitchen and realized there was yet another switch, possibly two that do nothing. However, I noticed there is a lamp above the refrigerator that did not have a bulb. Figuring that could be the cause of the possible failure for the switch to work I turned off the ceiling lights, which only two of the three had lighted bulbs in it.

While doing so I noticed that one light socket was actually occupied by broken bulb. Suddenly and without warning, the handyman in me kicked in to full gear and I set off to purchase tools, but specifically I wanted some pliers so that I could twist the damn thing out.

Well, let me tell you, hunting down tools in Poland is the hardest ^%$&@#* thing to do. As the Warsaw Hilton Hotel is literally next door to our apartment building I went there to ask someone. I figured I could ask someone where a hardware store was and they’d be able to look it up for me.
The receptionist, without missing a beat, told me exactly where to go and even told me what side of a mall I could find it on.

I caught a cab out to the mall, which was fairly big, so I went straight to the information desk and asked the woman manning (pun not intended, but left in intentionally) if she knew where the hardware/tool store was. She told me to go to the second floor and go straight and it’d be on my right.

I went to the second floor, which according to Poles was the first floor. After realizing the Poles’ mistake I went to the third floor. I went straight and finally came across some sports store that vaguely resembled a hardware store. After realizing I’d never get a salesperson to understand the concept of pliers (it was a hunch) I decided to go to the bookstore several doors down and use a Polish-English dictionary to find the translation of “pliers”.

I committed the spelling to memory S-Z-C-Z-Y-P-C-E. I went back to the sporting goods store and asked to use a pen. I wrote “SZCZYPCE” down on the back of a business card and showed it to the cashiers, who denied having pliers for sale.

Somewhat flabbergasted, especially because they had all kinds of wrenches and bicycle tools, I left. I continued looking for the damn store and finally went back to the information desk and asked the woman to write down the name of the store, which she did. So I again set off in search of the “hardware” store, allegedly called “Smyk”. When I found “Smyk” I was stunned to find that it was a children’s’ clothing store. I had absolutely no idea how the woman misconstrued “hardware” and “tools” to mean I was looking for a children’s’ clothing store.

I then wandered over to the Marriott, which wasn’t far off, but it did take several minutes to reach. I asked the receptionists for “pliers”. He asked me if I wanted it for music or something. I said no and showed him the writing of “Szczypce”. ‘Ah,’ they exclaimed with new enlightenment. They wrote down the name of a store, or at least what he thought was the spelling – the name is French.

They said there should be one in the mall I just came from, so I set off, yet again. This time, however, rather than screw around looking for the place I went straight to the information desk and told her I was not looking for children’s clothing, but a “Szczypce”. I showed her the name of the store I was looking for and she told me I’d need to take a tram to the “Arkadia” mall, which was 20 minutes away. I actually believed her this time around, so I left. I again headed over to the Marriott, this time to ask the concierge if she would know of any stores that would sell pliers. By this point I was laughing about how ^%$&@#* hard it was to find any tools in Poland. I was even further amazed that anyone was actually able to build anything in Poland.

The concierge gave me a condescending tone when she noticed that someone had written “Smyk” (the children’s clothing store) down on the back of my business card. I simply snorted at her statement that I wouldn’t find a “szyzypce” there. I figured that out.

She called a “colleague” and found a “garden” store about a 3 minutes’ walk from my apartment building. But, the stores were allegedly closed. It was well after 19:00 CET by this time. I caught a taxi back to our place and gave up on my search, deciding to pick up on it until tomorrow.

At the moment, I’m writing this at the bar of the Warsaw Hilton, which is a lovely building, if I don’t say so myself. The bartender, a tall man, is a genius. Or at least I’ll find out tomorrow, because he confirmed what it took two receptionists at the Marriott and a woman from the mall I spent hours searching did after several hours. That there is, in fact, a French hardware store at the mall “Arkadia”. I really hope this bartender doesn’t let me down, because I feel he deserves an excellent tip.